Living Starts Here (:: 2011

Where do I start ? Why are things going so hard ? It seems like everything just have to go the opposite way. I thought all these scars are just...a daily routine to me and wouldn't hurt as much anymore. But today was definitely a day to remember. A day where I felt my heart piercing through every second, and I can't forget what I saw for even a moment. It's haunting my mind even when i'm occupied.

Why are you so cruel ? So mean, so heartless. Where did you get the strength to keep hurting me this way ? I thought I could just close one eye, for us to last, for everything to be okay. But....relationship doesn't work one way. If this goes on....it's obvious what's going to happen next. Which girl can take this ? Stupid acts, after stupid acts, and another stupid act. & you actually thought that I would be fine. Looking at both of you in the reflection, I was thinking to myself, maybe she's not the one interrupting our relationship, maybe....I'm the one interrupting both of your relationship.

Drag. Yes, nobody wants to drag a fight. But just to not drag it, and avoid the whole issue, isn't going to work. All you want to do is escape from reality, escape from what you've done that hurt me so bad. You see me hurt, you do nothing, you see me cry, you do nothing, you see me upset, you do nothing. Nothing at all.

Is this indicating the part before everything ends ? I swore I would work my butt off just to get this relationship back to track. But it's so bloody hard. So hard, to fake a smile, so hard to hold back tears, so hard to say "I'm okay", so hard to pretend everything's fine, so hard to focus, so hard to not feeling the punch in the heart.

I'll wait. I'll wait for that one day when somebody would come along and wake me up from this nightmare. Somebody to tell me everything's fine, somebody who actually sticks to their promises, somebody who truly adores me, somebody who sees something special in me....when nobody else does. I'll wait for that one day when I'll be truly happy for one whole day, for that one day when my heart is in a safe place, for that one day when I know that someone special's heart, belongs to me forever, for that one day when I know that somebody would never ever break my heart again.

Where's the love ? Where's the unconditional love ? The love which someone is not afraid to give you, the warmth that you feel and makes you fuzzy, the security that you just know you can completely trust that person. My trust for you...has started to fade. & I have no idea how...you're going to gain my trust back.

I'm sorry. For being such a fucking weakling, for being such a burden, for being such a nerve-wreck, for being so bloody insecure. No doubt, your acts have made me into that. I'm truly sorry for what I've done in the past and I've learnt from my mistakes. Maybe my acts aren't hundred percent perfect yet, but i'm proud to say that i've tried my best. But you ? Everything seemed so easy when you said it. Those words that just came out from your mouth without thinking, but you couldn't do one bit at all. I don't understand, if she feels the vibe, why doesn't she....back off ? Couldn't you at least think, before you do something stupid ? Think what are the consequences, think who'll you hurt, think who is screaming in pain inside...but gotta pretend everything is just perfectly fine. Vulgar, that's all you can be when I do something wrong, but when i'm the one who's hurt, i've to swallow back my tears and still gotta tolerate with your anger ? You're angry cause we're fighting, you're angry cause i'm upset. Well you know what ? Put yourself in my shoes. Try picturing me becoming you, you becoming me, and her becoming him.

You always say you get it, but you don't. You don't get it at all. Do you know what it feels like to be the one feeling like an outcast ? Do you know what it feels like to can't focus at one thing at all ? Do you know what it feels like to be so broken inside ? Do you know what it feels like...to sacrifice so much & keep it to yourself but nobody appreciates you ? Do you know what it feels like to be abused physically, mentally & emotionally ? No you don't. If you've tried picturing yourself in my shoes, and you still think that I should be perfectly fine, carrying on with life as usual...Well, congratulations, I can now tell you that you're one heartless bastard.

Those tears that you saw today, yes they were for you. They were true emotions. True emotions that nobody cares, including you. Those tears have fallen so many times they mean nothing already. But you know what ? Even the amount of tears that I've shed for you, can't explain how broken my heart is.

I'm broken inside

Rewind

Why can't everything be like those days ? Those days when I have nothing to worry about, nothing to be afraid of. Can't it be the other way around ? Why can't you be the one who's upset, disappointed and worried ? It's going to be 10 months soon, but why do I feel when the more we've been through, instead of having stronger bonds, we're growing apart ? The part where things come to an end doesn't hurt most, what hurts most is...witnessing how people change, things change, what you have with each other becomes memories, and the part where you clearly know that things are not going to workout but you don't know what to do, when to do, how to do. You know your heart is still where it's suppose to be, but circumstances in lives, situations that we have to deal with, makes everything change. Sometimes reminiscing is good. Look through yr phonebook, yr old pictures, yr msgs, or anything in the past, you'll find out that there are some people that were so important to your life before, but now they barely come across your mind.

Sweetheart, I don't want you to be one of them. I don't want you to be a part of my memory, I want to make memories with you for the rest of my life. Till the day I take my last breath, I swear my heart will still be with you. I'm never gonna find someone like you again, and I'm sure you're the one for me. You have yr own weaknesses and so do I, so I guess we have to tolerate to make things work. & I do want it to work, so badly. I need you in my life forever. I love you baby.